Porno Nightmare

I'm incapable of having a sexy sex dream. Anytime someone gets naked in my dreams, something completely WEIRD happens soon after. I recently had a dream where I had amazing sex with a friend of mine, but then the feeling of euphoria was ruined as soon as we realized we were on a rooftop and a crowd of people were staring at us. Right.

Anyway, last night I had a dream that my parents were hosting a swanky dinner party -- so swanky my younger brother made his grand entrance by driving in to the living room in a giant gray Escalade, complete with AHS bimbos in the back. I don't really remember what the occasion was, but I do remember that there were a lot of well dressed, freaky looking "attractive" people. Ya know, fake tits and face lifts. Like we had invited the upper crust Westlake peeps.

My friends arrived dressed to the nines, and as we went to get a drink I suddenly got a mysterious text message from a guy I'd met once at a bar (I didn't REALLY give my number out to a strange man I'd met in a bar -- this is still Dreamland). It said something like,

"I remember you /
I send you message /
@ See you &"

and it even came with a dorky picture of him. I said, "Oh good God, I gave this weird guy my number a year ago and now he's texting me." Suddenly, he arrived at the door with three tall, blonde, fake - looking women. The guy was wearing a sleazy tuxedo and a gold chain around his neck, and the girls were wearing neon mini-dresses. Ew. The guy started making a huge spectacle of himself, showing off his yo-yo skills (yes...yo-yo skills), and demonstrating how his Anti-Perspiration Pump worked (it was a yo-yo that you put in your armpit...oh well). My parents started murmuring about how they didn't know who these people were, and it turned out that no one else did, either. Oh no. Party crashers.

Suddenly, the guy yelled for everyone's undivided attention, and ordered us to gather around him and his freaky bitches. He made some brief speech about a contest with a cash prize, and then the four of them (he and his bitches) started boning each other on my family room floor. At first they were all strokin' each other, but they eventually coupled up. I didn't really look at the guy -- I was fascinated by the girl on girl action because it was so...horrendously disgusting. Their fake tits were saggy and dimply and awful and they couldn't quite maneuver their collagen injected lips...and by that I'm of course talking about the lips on their faces...

While this was going on, everyone at the dinner party screamed in horror and disgust, but the bastards wouldn't put their clothes on. All of a sudden, one of the girls stood up and assumed a Wonder Woman-esque stance, and slowly but surely the other three were sucked in to her thighs.

Yes, they were sucked in to her thighs.

She then grew about a foot taller, and, as she grew, she was suddenly wearing a black leather corset. In a creepy Ursula the Sea Witch sort of voice, she repeated the guy's former speech about a contest and a cash prize (which, unfortunately, I can't quite remember the details of), but she ended it with something about how if no one entered the contest, she would take someone from the party to be her slave.

As soon as she said that, my friend V grabbed my arm and pulled me into the kitchen. "We have to get the Hell out of here," she said, and then she pulled me outside. We ran down the street in the dark...

...and when I woke up my heart was pounding.

Yup.